I struggled to find a title for this post. It could have been many titles. Nothing fully encompasses what I am going to share. This is hard, but this is real. My blog tag line is “a real mom sharing real experiences” So I felt I needed to share this real part of my life with you. I know I am not alone. I hate discussing the big ‘d’ word…depression. I feel like I am saying a dirty four letter word.
I suffer with Depression. I have for most of my adult life. It hit hard after my first child in Postpartum Depression. I have been on medication ever since then. It is a chemical imbalance. Depression is real. Sometimes there is no reason to feel sad, but I do.
When life gets really tough I struggle. I shut down. I fall into a place and do not know how to get out. That is where I have been since we moved.
Something you may not know about people with depression is that major life changes affect them more than an average person. I can not speak for the average person, but I can speak for those with clinical depression. Stress messes with our chemicals. It can knock us off our feet. It can start a downward spiral.
When we moved it was emotional for all of us. I was finally in a good place emotionally and stable. Once we moved and my whole world was changed, I fell apart. I cried all the time. Even great things did jot help. I shut myself off from the world. I quit blogging for a while. I was very sensitive. It was all about me. I was in a black hole.
I continued working because it was my one constant. I work with the most amazing women. I remember crying through an important meeting with my bosses. I was so embarrassed. I should have just said what was going on, but you see, I was ashamed.
I am ashamed. I have never wanted this illness to define me. I want to make people happy and encourage them. I do not want things to be about me or my weakness. I work hard to cover it up. So hard that it actually makes it worse.
2 weeks ago we were struggling with staying in Louisiana with my husband or living apart. We discussed moving me and the kids back home. My husband would commute. We miss home so much. We miss our friends, church, family, school and our HOME! I thought was back home would make me happy again. When it came down to it. I couldn’t. I knew I needed my husband. I needed our family to stay together. My husband is my rock.
It was one of my worst weeks. Tears and breakdowns were constant. I wanted to run away or crawl in a hole and never come out. It was a black week. My family called because I am sure they worried about me. I did not answer. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. (even those that I love the most) Mostly because I was embarrased, ashamed and I knew I could not explain. I am not sure how I got through it. What I do know is that I survived. God was my only hope. He carried me through the dark.
I am thankful.
I am here.
I am real.
Why am I sharing this? I am not sure. I felt I needed to. I hope that if you are in this place you will hold on to hope. You are strong. You are here for a reason. PLEASE reach out to someone. Depression makes you believe that no one cares. But they DO! I DO!
Reach out to me if you have no one else. I am HERE. I am REAL, just like you! We are in this together.